Choices

Disclaimer:
This post is neither fun nor happy, but it's weighing so heavily on my mind that I feel the need to write about it.

Just a couple hours ago, as the sun set and the crickets began to chirp, I stood outside my apartment talking with my neighbor. A beautiful 20-something woman, she is a married mother of 2. Her husband is in the military and stationed oversees, so she's currently living in my apartment complex with her mother and younger siblings.

Last year, we became friends as she told me about her life, her struggles, and some choices she had made. When I first met her, she was broken-hearted. She told me of how the man she loved had broken up with her. Just a few months prior, she had gotten pregnant by him. He wanted to keep the baby, but she was afraid of not being able to afford another child. When she was a little over 2 months along, she chose to have an abortion.

The abortion tortured her. And her boyfriend left her because of it too. She told me of how she prayed constantly every day for forgiveness, and how she promised God that if he blessed her with another pregnancy, she would keep the baby.

Well, soon after that, she and her boyfriend got back together. She became pregnant again, and praised God for giving her another chance. Her boyfriend married her. Then, about 4 months ago, she gave birth to a sweet baby boy with chocolate skin and huge, gorgeous ebony eyes.

Tonight, as she sat on our steps talking to me, her 5-year-old daughter rode her bike in circles while her little son laughed at the trees swaying in the breeze. She looked at me nervously, and I could tell something was weighing on her. "Jen, I did a bad thing," she told me.

I thought she was going to tell me about something minor. Maybe selling a favorite toy. I sure did not expect to hear what she was about to tell me.

"When I flew out to visit my husband back in April, I got pregnant again. This time, twins. My husband says we can't afford more kids though. So he asked me to do something that I really didn't want to do..."

She trailed off a little, choking back tears. And then she told me about how she took some pills that were meant to kill the babies. About how she passed their lifeless little bodies, bled a lot, locked herself in the bathroom for 2 days straight, and sobbed. She told me about how the sight of their tiny bodies was continuing to haunt her. About how she was looking for activities to take her mind off of it. About how she wished she could forget it as if it never happened.

But it did happen.

She told me about how her mother in law tried to talk her into choosing adoption, but that she couldn't see herself doing that. She said knew she would grow too attached to the baby.

At this point, we both kind of stared off into the distance, taking in the gravity of the situation. The mosquitoes were beginning to bite at us, so we said our goodbyes and each went home.

As I entered my apartment, I gazed into these eyes.

And I cried.

I shed tears of grief, of pain for the choices of my friend. Tears for these three precious lives that could have been full of so much promise, for all the joy that they never got to see. Tears because really, I'm pretty much helpless to do anything to change this situation. But you can bet I hugged my sweet Izzy just a little bit tighter tonight. There are no words to express just how precious his life is to me.

I'm going to end this post with a beautiful music video by Common and Lauryn Hill that touches on this subject. It's about 5 minutes long. If you choose to watch it, I think you'll find it worth your while.